Tag Archives: Gwen and Blake

The Gwen Stefani Diet

Blake and Gwen After and AfterSo, the sugar thing. It’s been months since the first update. First three weeks went really well, especially as the occasional piece of fruit, or four, remained permissible. However, probably the worst thing to do when trying to quit sugar is to plan a five-day trip to New York, sans enfants. A five day trip to meet a brother flying in from England, a brother who really enjoys an eleven pm chocolate brownie, the preferred serving involving a demitasse of chocolate mousse on the side. He also likes a beer, as I do myself, so, really, to be honest, the quitting sugar thing went on hiatus cause, you know, how much fun is it to eat a late night chocolate brownie by yourself, especially after half-a-dozen I.P.A.s?

So, a five day hiatus, a hiatus in which a quite unsightly rash developed on the lid of my right eye. It’s also in my ear, especially the right one. The doctor says it’s Seborrheic Dermatitis. He thinks its stress, or lack of sleep, or, hello, a form of candida, brought on by a yeast called Malassezia, which sounds uncannily like a venereal disease a friend of mine found himself attached to in college. And it’s a close relative of our friend saccharon. The doctor suggests more sleep and an anti-Candida diet. What does a vegan eat on an anti-Candida diet? Vegetables, beans in moderation, and lots of water. So I basically need to put on a mule deer costume until the fall. Two months without alcohol, without dairy, without sugar, without fruit. Oh and no fried foods, no chips, no gluten, no alcohol—I think I said that last one. So, a mule deer on a diet. Can’t wait.

But I certainly wasn’t about to deal with that during the end of the school year, so I went back to mochas and burritos and smeared hydrocortisone on the affected spots, which, hilariously kept shifting. As soon as the eyelid responded, the base of the nostrils would flare up, and then the left ear. It’s whack a mole. And I keep pondering the more exercise, more sleep, the absolutely no sugar thing. Summer the perfect time for that. I mean, actually, as a teacher, no excuses. And yesterday, the missus went off for a week and a half to see her mother. Took our eleven year old with her, and the four year old’s in camp all week. So…I had a last supper, involving just about everything a last supper should involve minus the prayer, and today I’m on a nine-day juice and smoothie fast thing. Gotta get radical. Admittedly the last time I went radical, I drank nothing but water for five days, and that sucked worse than scabies. I don’t recommend driving. After about four days, i could barely put my own shoes on. So not doing that again.Blake before and after that looks like before and before

But, today, a new Vitamix arrived. A friend also sent a tempting link to an article about Blake Shelton dropping poundage ridiculous on the Gwen Stefani diet. Which involves everything you’d presume it involves plus, apparently, ingesting copious amounts of CLA Safflower oil which, surprise, surprise, happens to be available at a discounted price via a link at the bottom of the webpage. Let me find the details a la Blake: 30 lbs in less than a month. And he still eats like a runaway horse—Gwen’s words, though not an exact quote. I’m not convinced though I might be if it came with a Gwen Stefani dating app. And the above photos certainly look more like a before and before or an after and after, not by any stretch a before and after, hair shade notwithstanding. Alright, all hilarity aside. I’m back in. On the Vitamix diet until the fam returns from the mother-in-law’s. This time, no fruit, and no five day all-in trip to Manhattan to see the brother in the devil suit.

Back in ten days with an update. 7/17/2017, how do you not love the numerical fluidity there?